Friday, November 23, 2012

Tossing Pebbles…Baby Steps

  Cardiac Rehab is hard work, anyone who has been through it will tell you that and convincing a little guy of not yet two that walking is healthy and needs to be done is a chore especially when he sees only the desire to be carried and the fact that walking makes him hot, sweaty, and tired.  So since the doctor ordered exercise I am given the challenge of making sure that happens.  Dr. Joseph was great about giving suggestions for places to walk that might be interesting and safe along with the suggestions for other possible strenuous activities for a two year old that we might attempt.  
  The opportunity to walk outside is wonderful since the daily temp has averaged 75-82*F and there is actually greenery, flowers, and blue sky!  I also have lots of opportunity to reflect and ponder as walking is slow, usually a couple steps and then a pause with lots of coaxing to get little man to join me.   I have learned so much about baby steps and some things about myself.  I have come up with a game, he throws a little stone and then in his sweet shuffling walk he saunters to where it has landed, reaches down picks it up, and tosses it a little farther.  Sometimes I just can’t help it when his throw essentially drops it right back at his feet I reach out and kick it just a little further.  Sometimes we stop to look at little things around us and thus we found ourselves pausing in front of a patch of impatients.  I love these little flowers they are bright, colorful, and grow easily.  I stand looking at them, pointing, trying to encourage little steps to come look because it might be interesting and of course make him walk faster.  I have to smile as I consider that if I were a flower in the garden I might just be an impatient.  Over these past many weeks I have found that I am not always the picture of a calm, gentle, quiet spirit but rather I am anxious, impatient, frustrated with my lack of ability to understand whining and pointing, and tired from lack of sleep.  I find myself tapping my foot willing him to move just a little faster and I consider that my impatience with this walk is what causes me to kick the pebble just a little farther along.  I have an even greater respect for mothers at this moment.  Many of you have said how you do not know how I can work as a nurse 24/7 well I have lots of hands to help and I don’t sleep with my babies, eat with them on my lap, change them, bathe their screaming wiggling selves, purchase diapers and formula (I think this is the same one as home?) or make sure that I have hand washed the clothes in time to have them dry when it is time to put them on again.  This is what life has been like over the last several weeks not to mention that my baby is a baby with medical needs that still need looked after.  Instead back in the Big House I have the joy of taking care of many medical needs, snuggling for a few minutes and then leaving them with a nanny- this is not mommy work.  My Heavenly Father is teaching me once again so many things not only about His plan for this baby and orphans the world over who are just like him but He is teaching me more about myself than I can often absorb all at once.  I picture Him standing a few steps ahead trying to coax me to take a few more baby steps, to work my heart harder, to trust Him more that He knows what is best for me, how to make me healthy and strong.  I think he occasionally kicks my pebble not with impatience but with a desire to see me strive just a little harder, work toward His goal just a little more and see life a little more through His eyes.  So here I go, finishing this walk chasing pebbles, taking baby steps, and feeling my heart race, pumping blood rich with a love that will not let me go.   I reach down at the end of the street pick up the little stone and tuck it in my pocket, something to think about later after I feed the baby and get him down for a nap.

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