Hard Pressed...Not in despair-

April 28, 2013

Dear Ones,

  This last week was a busy one with the surgery team here working so hard to provide cleft lip and palate surgeries to several of our babies.  There were NICU and PICU nurses everywhere, there were OR nurses, surgeons, anesthesiologists, Pediatric Intensivists, Pediatricians, and Pediatric Residents.  The house was full and I loved having the opportunity to brush up on the news and happenings of the hospital world as I spent time with them.  We shared ideas, new techniques, equipment, (Thank you so much guys for the use of your i-stat while you were in house- what a great help that was! Such a treat.)  The evenings spent in the PACU here on the 5^th floor watching little ones recovering post operatively, and sharing information back, and forth, were wonderful. 

  As I stood one evening there in the PACU, holding a baby while his ayi went to eat dinner, one of the nurses asked me several questions about various events occurring in our Big House and then she asked me a very real question, “Mariah, does it ever just make you depressed to see all of this all around you, the hurt, the suffering, the things you can’t change?”   What a great question, and to be honest it is not the first time I have been asked…and the answer is, “No, not depressing.”  It is hard, it is real life, it is a reality that sin has created, it breaks my heart, it hurts, but depressing, no not depressing.  Depressing would be if there was no hope, if there was no God, if there was no salvation, no lessons learned from the hard things, no compassion, no Jesus- that would be depressing.  We talked more and I shared with her some of the harder moments from the last few months, the last four years, then I smiled and told her that for every one of those moments my Heavenly Father has given me abundantly more moments of thrill, of overwhelming love, of comfort, of compassion, and many of those have been right in the middle of the hardest ones because isn’t that how it works…His greatest work in my life is in the midst of the deepest valleys.  His light pierces through brightest in the middle of the darkest night.  I feel His arms pulling me up most when I have sunk deepest into the waters, often because I have taken my eyes off of Him and am looking at the raging storm all around me.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 

2 Corinthians 4:7-10

  So dear friends, when I share the hard moments, the difficult things that bring tears, and some of the heartache, remember that God is using those same moments in your life, He is working in your heart, just as He is working in mine.  I must share so that you too have the opportunity to see and pray and trust that the God who created all things is GOOD, He is REAL, He is LOVE, and He is the God of HOPE, not of despair.

Loving you,

Mariah

Tractor Time-

 Just like kiddos anywhere else, our kids love to watch tractors and with the large ones "Playing" in our yard lately they have been able to do lots of watching- bulldozers, dump trucks, diggers, jack hammers, all of it brings squeals of delight and happy smiles with lots of pointing and "Oh, WOW...Ma Li Ya, it's BIG!" 

Just Moments...

 In amongst the lessons and the hard stuff that life teaches here there are sweet everyday moments that are just part of life and I love to share those with you.  Things like the peach blossoms that have sprung out with the warming weather, the quilt that I finished with lots of tropical prints that remind me of my island home...

   The fact that I was able to make Ricotta cheese from Shelf life boxed milk!!!!! If this sounds like a little thing you have never lived in China for 4 years where access to cheese/dairy products is a luxury- you should have seen the excitement in the kitchen when we tried it...sheer delight!

      A hand print quilt filled with lots of love as a good bye gift for Rebecca who left for Beijing this morning...next weekend she and Mikey will be married the joy in the journey, the changes in our seasons of life- we are so excited for them.

Temporary Home

  Last night I was skyping home it was morning for me but bedtime for my little sisters…I love calling and being able to tell them good night and that I love them.  So Kaitryn is telling me in rapid form about her day so that maybe mommy will let her stay up a little longer because, “I am talking to my sister and she is soooo faraway…” With her next breath she begins asking me when I am coming home to my real home so she and Janessa can see me because, “We miss you and we need you here in your real home with us.”  I smiled and began singing to her across the miles,

“This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home”

(Thank you Carrie Underwood)

  To which she replied, “Riah why you singing, I don’t need you to sing, I need you to come home, you are so silly.”  And she was ferried off to bed.  I had to smile, wouldn’t it be nice if the places I loved that held the ones I hold so precious to my heart were just a little bit closer together.

  I was reminded of this very conversation just a few short hours later as I held a sweet little one and sang softly…slowly her breaths became further and further apart and I thought of my conversation with Kaitryn and began to sing once again,

“This is our temporary home, it's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is our temporary home.”

Good Night Memories-

   It is evening, and I am going through the routine of rounds, checking lung sounds, checking charts, feeling fevered heads, and making sure that meds are in order.  This is what the end of everyday looks like...
  I turn the corner in the nursery and before I think twice I am bending over her crib, so much part of my everyday routine I have forgotten that she is no longer there, I am missing her.  Every night for close to three years I bent over this crib, kissed drowsy child, prayed, and sang “Jesus loves me” as sleepy arms would wrap themselves around my neck and pull me close to nuzzle nose to cheek, the scent of her lingers, "Good night princess, I love you, and Jesus loves you too."  At this moment I am caught, surprised that I have forgotten she is no longer there...I continue my bending over and kiss the tiny baby who sleeps in her place.  This child needs the kiss, the prayer, and the “Jesus loves me”, for however long I have the chance to share it.  In these moments my heart aches, a good ache, the ache of missing but the ache of joy that another of these precious little ones is settled into a forever family being loved and cared for- an answer to those many nights of praying.  I continue on my rounds, holding a precious memory, pausing over each crib, checking sleeping blessings and praying hard that I will have many more aches, many more moments of missing, for in my loss there is amazing gain...amazing grace.

Join them...Showing Hope

 Ok- so I just have to make a quick comment on something as I have received many notes and messages over the past couple of days saying, "Did you know Brad Paisley was wearing an 'i Show Hope' t-shirt when he appeared on the Tonight Show this week?"  Since I do not belong to the world of Facebook...sorry guys this is a little behind the media curve and yes, thanks to you I now know that he was wearing a Show Hope t-shirt. (Now I will just have to find out from a couple key insiders whether or not this was the t-shirt that Emily gave him:>) However, while we are on the subject of people "Showing Hope"  I am excited to know that people saw his t-shirt and it may have caused them to check out what was going on over there... While you are Checking out Show Hope don't forget to notice that they are getting ready to celebrate 10 YEARS! with a huge Memorial Day celebration in Nashville.  I am so very excited for everyone that will be gathering and if you happen to be there make sure to find these sweet friends from Australia who are coming over to celebrate and to spend lots of time with you wonderful ones...you know who you are!  AND you must keep your eyes open for these two precious little girls, as they are incredibly special to me and I need you to give my little sisters lots of hugs from me since my family will also be there- just as a side note, I will be ever so grateful if you will give my other sister, my brother and my wonderful parents hugs from me to!

 I Show Hope you can make it!

He will take them up...

April 10, 2013

Dear Ones,

  It was nearly midnight and I was drifting off to sleep when my phone rings, this is not uncommon and I quickly answer expecting to hear the voice of one my ayis telling me what is happening and where she needs me to check on a baby.  Instead I hear the rapid Chinese voice of our maintenance man, “Please come there is a child left at the door.”  Quickly getting into clothes I head for the door, pulling on a jacket as I exit the elevator on the first floor he is waiting there with flashlight in hand, “Not a little baby, Ma Li Ya,” and  he motions me to follow.  We push through the doorway and out into the night, the warm glow from the lights of our building casting shadows across the driveway as ayis peer out windows wondering what is taking place below.  We turn the corner into the shadows cast by the gate house and onto the driveway and there she sits.  My eyes are focused only on her not paying much attention to the police officers who are arriving and taking names and information but instead I am gathering this little one into my arms.  She is not making a sound the tears are simply slipping down her cheeks and the light from the flashlight is making them glisten as I brush them away.  She is sitting on a toy scooter three large boxes of clothes are placed next to her and she is bundles up in many layers of clothes, a families attempt to protect her from the cold for however long she may have had to wait.  She does not speak though she appears to be about 4-5 years old and it is quite evident that she is suffering from some form of brain dysfunction.  The police officers have seen this all to often and they simply want information and to be done with filling out forms so that they can deliver her to the CWI authorities and be on with their evening.  They ask questions, is she injured, do her arms and legs work, why she is not talking.  By the light of the flashlights, my hands are searching, feeling, holding, and looking, making sure there are no wounds, no breaks.  I am kneeling in the dirt and helping her to stand she is able to walk to me and then wraps her arms around my neck as I whisper into her little ear and allow her to snuggle her head against my neck drying her tears on my shoulder.  She does not understand what is happening, she knows that she was in the dark and alone but she cannot understand why, her hand searches my face.  And I will myself to hold back the tears, which would be considered inappropriate by the small crowd of Chinese who have now gathered in a circle around us.  The officer filling out papers finishes and asks for my signature and then the boxes of clothing and riding toy are loaded into the police van an officer steps towards me and asks for the child.  I untangle her arms from my neck and whispering “I love you.” into her ear I hand her to him.  He holds her at arm’s length and is trying to decide how he will hold her in the seat without really holding her.  My mind actually raced towards home to men that I love and admire, men like Mr. Chris and Mr. Jon, police officers who would have pulled this child close living proof that they were here to “serve and protect” I would have seen anger in their eyes, with indignation that anyone would dare to leave a child here in the middle of the night to cry in the dark, alone and forsaken, but not here, not these men.  They pulled away red and blue lights flashing leaving Leo and I alone in the dark.  The tears began to pool, Leo understood, he has a heart for these little ones why else would he and his wife live here in the big house with us.  His voice cracked a bit as he said, “She is just like the children in our house…I am so sorry they left her.”  I pulled my jacket closer around me and felt that the cold wind was cutting right through to my core.  Then I remembered, like an arrow piercing through the night, “For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the Lord will take me up.” (Psalm 27:10) and my soul calmed, as I made my way back inside praying all the while for this little one, found forsaken, she belongs to Him and He will care for her, He will take her up wrap her in His arms and hold her close.

Grace alone,

Mariah