September 2015
Dear Ones,
She is
right on my heels peering intently at everything I am doing as I move about the
kitchen fixing dinner, her voice constant with questions. Why are we washing dishes while you are
fixing dinner? Why are the bubbles clear? Why do they have rainbows? Why don’t we have a dishwasher? Why do you cook the chicken that way? How did you learn to fix this? Why don’t we store our chickens under the sink
and kill them when we are ready to eat them like we did in China? Why do we learn Latin? Why couldn’t our words come from Chinese
instead of Latin? Why did God make the
world in the order He did, why didn’t He make the animals first? Why is that her name, why do we give things
names? The questions continue, and as I
try to answer one before the next one tumbles out, I cannot help but think
quietly to myself, “Precious little sister, so full of curiosity and questions,
the why’s are only going to get harder.”
Why is
saying goodbye to a season, or watching doors close such a hard thing? Why are some months harder to face than
others and for that matter some days or maybe just some moments? Why do tears come at the most inconvenient
times like when you are in the middle of doing something totally normal and it
triggers a memory? Do you ever ask why
does health fail, why can I not do what I did before? Why now?
Why ever? Why broken hearts and
broken homes? Why loss, why suffering? Why
the feeling of failure? Why the glorious
mixed all together with the ugly? Why
in my thought process do I still see things going one direction when things
have suddenly turned upside down and I feel lost and dazed? Why did God bring this person into my life or
why did He orchestrate this meeting in this way? Why did He choose to bind hearts together
here but allow others to be torn apart there?
Just as I think my “Why’s” are coming faster than any answers, God
Himself pulls me close. That point when the why’s open for a momentary glimpse
into the shadows of the work that the Master is doing. He is the One who takes the why of an orphan
child and weaves it into the beautiful story of a forever family. He, the One who sends the sunrise after the
sunset, the One who answers the why of my doubts and fears, the why of death
and life, the wondering of why one season follows another, and in every turn,
every change, every tiny detail, He shows me His plan of Grace and
Salvation. It has been almost a year
since I left China, the world I knew turning upside down in head over heels
rapid succession. A year ago I was in a
special care unit not even my home unit, I was prepping babies for surgery, I
was transitioning locations, I was thinking toward Chinese National Holiday
time and how I needed to help in the process of making sure we had all the
back-ups we needed for those days when the world around would shut down to
celebrate. I was rocking babies,
checking temperatures, starting tiny IV lines, monitoring every single ounce of
consumed formula and watching for the slightest signs of little ones in need of
intervention. I was doing what I knew to
do for their care, these precious little ones that God entrusted to us. Then everything changed…
You
received notes, you got letters, and there I was so unexpectedly refocusing. I was, without knowing it having a last
coffee with a friend, I was saying, “see you later,” when I had no idea that
later would be so very long. I found
myself instead of helping to give the goodbye lunch, being the guest of a
goodbye round table in the upper room of a much loved Chinese restaurant. I was being handed flowers and tucking tiny
gifts in overstuffed bags. I was reading
one last story to special children. I was crying and hugging and waving at an
airport, I was quickly saying goodbyes that in so many ways I was not ready to
say and then I was back in the States.
It was a flight so familiar and yet so very different this time and the
plans that were unfolding were so far from what had been envisioned that I
struggled to hold on for the ride.
It still
amazes me to see God’s hand moving in all of that and to watch Him as He continues
to faithfully guide and direct as I say goodbye to a season of time and pray
hard for the coming one. After much
prayer and seeking of wise counsel, the decision has been made that at this
time I will not be returning to China in the near future. I am excited for this next chapter, for the
new opportunities that He is opening up, and though on this side of Heaven, I
am positive that I will never have the answers to all the why questions that
push to the surface of my thinking. I am
eternally sure of the Who that holds me; the One who has my name inscribed on
the palms of His hands, the One whose grasp I will never be snatched out
of. There is a sweet peace in knowing
that the Maker and Creator of the Universe has the why’s and wherefores under
His control, and I simply need to trust as He leads me into this new season. This new amazing adventure, around this next
bend in the road I can rest assured that He will hold me fast…Why is no longer
as much the question but rather, “What?”
What will He choose to teach me, what will He use to grow me closer to
His heart?
With this
note I would also like to thank each one of you for walking this journey with
me, for encouraging, lifting me up in prayer, asking the questions, and
listening. There is still so much work
to be done, the fields are ready for harvest, the world is still full of
orphans, and God’s love for them is so incredibly big. I look forward to having the opportunity more
and more to share with you and serve alongside you as we grow the body of
Christ through God’s amazing heart for adoption!
All glory to Him,
Mariah
