Saying Goodbye to a Season

September 2015

Dear Ones,

  She is right on my heels peering intently at everything I am doing as I move about the kitchen fixing dinner, her voice constant with questions.  Why are we washing dishes while you are fixing dinner? Why are the bubbles clear?  Why do they have rainbows?  Why don’t we have a dishwasher?  Why do you cook the chicken that way?  How did you learn to fix this?  Why don’t we store our chickens under the sink and kill them when we are ready to eat them like we did in China?  Why do we learn Latin?  Why couldn’t our words come from Chinese instead of Latin?  Why did God make the world in the order He did, why didn’t He make the animals first?  Why is that her name, why do we give things names?  The questions continue, and as I try to answer one before the next one tumbles out, I cannot help but think quietly to myself, “Precious little sister, so full of curiosity and questions, the why’s are only going to get harder.”

  Why is saying goodbye to a season, or watching doors close such a hard thing?  Why are some months harder to face than others and for that matter some days or maybe just some moments?  Why do tears come at the most inconvenient times like when you are in the middle of doing something totally normal and it triggers a memory?  Do you ever ask why does health fail, why can I not do what I did before?  Why now?  Why ever?  Why broken hearts and broken homes? Why loss, why suffering?  Why the feeling of failure?  Why the glorious mixed all together with the ugly?   Why in my thought process do I still see things going one direction when things have suddenly turned upside down and I feel lost and dazed?  Why did God bring this person into my life or why did He orchestrate this meeting in this way?  Why did He choose to bind hearts together here but allow others to be torn apart there?  Just as I think my “Why’s” are coming faster than any answers, God Himself pulls me close.  That point  when the why’s open for a momentary glimpse into the shadows of the work that the Master is doing.   He is the One who takes the why of an orphan child and weaves it into the beautiful story of a forever family.  He, the One who sends the sunrise after the sunset, the One who answers the why of my doubts and fears, the why of death and life, the wondering of why one season follows another, and in every turn, every change, every tiny detail, He shows me His plan of Grace and Salvation.  It has been almost a year since I left China, the world I knew turning upside down in head over heels rapid succession.  A year ago I was in a special care unit not even my home unit, I was prepping babies for surgery, I was transitioning locations, I was thinking toward Chinese National Holiday time and how I needed to help in the process of making sure we had all the back-ups we needed for those days when the world around would shut down to celebrate.  I was rocking babies, checking temperatures, starting tiny IV lines, monitoring every single ounce of consumed formula and watching for the slightest signs of little ones in need of intervention.  I was doing what I knew to do for their care, these precious little ones that God entrusted to us.  Then everything changed…

  You received notes, you got letters, and there I was so unexpectedly refocusing.  I was, without knowing it having a last coffee with a friend, I was saying, “see you later,” when I had no idea that later would be so very long.   I found myself instead of helping to give the goodbye lunch, being the guest of a goodbye round table in the upper room of a much loved Chinese restaurant.  I was being handed flowers and tucking tiny gifts in overstuffed bags.  I was reading one last story to special children. I was crying and hugging and waving at an airport, I was quickly saying goodbyes that in so many ways I was not ready to say and then I was back in the States.  It was a flight so familiar and yet so very different this time and the plans that were unfolding were so far from what had been envisioned that I struggled to hold on for the ride.  

  It still amazes me to see God’s hand moving in all of that and to watch Him as He continues to faithfully guide and direct as I say goodbye to a season of time and pray hard for the coming one.   After much prayer and seeking of wise counsel, the decision has been made that at this time I will not be returning to China in the near future.  I am excited for this next chapter, for the new opportunities that He is opening up, and though on this side of Heaven, I am positive that I will never have the answers to all the why questions that push to the surface of my thinking.  I am eternally sure of the Who that holds me; the One who has my name inscribed on the palms of His hands, the One whose grasp I will never be snatched out of.  There is a sweet peace in knowing that the Maker and Creator of the Universe has the why’s and wherefores under His control, and I simply need to trust as He leads me into this new season.  This new amazing adventure, around this next bend in the road I can rest assured that He will hold me fast…Why is no longer as much the question but rather, “What?”  What will He choose to teach me, what will He use to grow me closer to His heart?

  With this note I would also like to thank each one of you for walking this journey with me, for encouraging, lifting me up in prayer, asking the questions, and listening.  There is still so much work to be done, the fields are ready for harvest, the world is still full of orphans, and God’s love for them is so incredibly big.  I look forward to having the opportunity more and more to share with you and serve alongside you as we grow the body of Christ through God’s amazing heart for adoption!

All glory to Him,

Mariah

A Glimpse Back to July 2005

July 13, 2015
 In glancing back through photos and remembering, I find that it has been over 11 years ago that I last visited and helped with Bible camps in the Ukraine.  I am so very excited to be going back and I look forward to sharing with you all when we return.

Taking it all in...

July 8, 2015

Dear Ones,

  The number of times I have sat down and begun to type a letter to send out to each of you, such as some interesting story attempting to explain the season I have been through during the recent months, is really too many.   Yet here I sit, once again, trying in some way to break it down into bite size pieces of information that will somehow make sense.   Maybe in some small way it is for me an ability to share in a greater way the work that God is doing in my life during this unique active waiting time.  So I would like to share a few glimpses of this teaching-learning time with you.

   I have had the opportunity during this time to sit and talk with many of you face to face, something I so greatly missed while on the other side of the world.  I have been able to share through tears, laughter, long silent pauses to gather my thoughts, and then tumbling words that just rolled out one after another in a torrential flow, it just seems that no matter how hard I try there is not a really easy way to share all that I have seen and heard and held.  I have, and continue to seek out wise counsel that points me ever back to my incredible God and His perfect plans that never fail, His promises that ever sustain, and His Word that is truth.  A special thank you to each of you that have sat and sipped coffee, shared lunch, and taken time to simply sit for what has many times turned into hours of just talking and sharing, the time with each of you has been a precious gift.  I still have many things that I hold very close and ponder in my heart, things not ready to be shared yet.  At times, the possibilities and unknowns seem so overwhelming and I love the way one sweet friend put it, “You just really wish God would send you a text!”  There are days when one of those would be really nice and then I have to remind myself that He has given me His whole text!  His Word is complete, lacking in nothing, I simply need to dig deeper and listen with an open heart to all that He is teaching me in this time of waiting.

    In these days I have had the chance to travel a little to visit friends and supporters.  Some trips have been as close as a local shop, or the farm for time in the fields, biscuit making and impromptu tea parties that poured into my heart.  Others visits have been much further away in distance.  This has been incredibly encouraging and has given me the fun gift of driving, which for me is a wonderful time of thinking and processing.  I love driving and so long roads stretching out for hours ahead are a special thing for me. 

  While visiting a dear China friend who now lives in Washington DC, I had the chance to spend the day alone visiting the Holocaust Museum, which sounds a bit strange, but for me it was a reminder of the war that I have seen fought every day for the lives of little children.  I stood for the longest time reading and looking at the pictures in the display showing the “hospitals” for imperfect children who were placed there to be disposed of through various means, and these were not Jewish children they were German children who did not “meet the standard of the new culture.”  I thought of buildings full of children, halls lined with cots, rooms down dark hallways, and societies that have thrown away what God calls valuable, the very ones that He says are made in His image.  I cried as I stood in a room surrounded by black walls filled with names and thought of a Big House with its roof top walls filled with names… all these lives lost in wars.

  I have spent time relearning what it is like to shop where I can read all the labels, to enter a store and not be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things available on the shelf.  I am remembering what it is to drive in some sort of orderly fashion where red and green lights are not simply pretty decorations and sidewalks are not an extra lane used for passing when needed.

  I was able to spend time visiting my dear friend Sarah who is in the States right now from India.  She and her family opened their home and hearts to me and little Jeremiah while we were in India.   I was once again able to sit down with her, to introduce her to my sister, Melissa, and to have a chance to talk heart to heart. This friend, who knows many of the little details of God’s grace in placing her in my life at a crucial crossroad where she became a faithful shoulder to lean on in the hard.  What an incredible grace gift.

  I have in these past months been given the amazing opportunity to spend time with and serve my family in ways that I have not been able to in years.  I have been given the simple joy of daily washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, preparing lunches for work and school and adding an extra set of hands to the various projects that are being done.  It is amazing to me the vast amount of deep thinking and prayer that can be done while my hands are busy doing the routine and that I can perform with almost rote memory.  During this time, I have been given the beautiful gift of getting to know my two little sisters, I have always been the sister who lived in China, who visited at Christmas, and talked on Skype.  Now I have the privilege of hearing about school lessons, and attending field days, I have the chance to tuck notes in lunch boxes, and spend time with them.  I get to go with them on adventures, have tea parties, play Legos, dress baby dolls, and read stories.  I get to see kindergarten graduation and swim lessons, and listen with smiles to piano lesson renditions of songs.  I have the joy of hearing them tell the stories of Jesus and His love for them and all about their love for Him.  I have loved being able to go with them on their first camping trip, tracheostomies do not mix well with dirt and water so finally having the ability to go camping is a huge event in our family.  I watched as two wiggly little girls learned to fish the same way their older sisters did.  I watched as my daddy patiently showed them how to cast, untangled lines, and then finally baited hooks and sent the lines flying out into the water.   Yes, we did actually cook and eat what they caught!  

  I have spent time reading books that cause me to think, to ponder, to listen closely to what God is teaching me through the pages and then take it all back to the truth of His Word once again.

  I had the humbling experience of being able to attend a very special Show Hope reunion with my family that was hosted by Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman.  We went to Nashville and joined many other families, all with children who had been adopted from the Care Units that I have been working in and I cannot even begin to describe to you the beauty of that time for me.  I was able to see children that I have loved, cared for, held, and prayed over, now in the arms of loving forever families.  It was like a tiny glimpse of Heaven when God will call home all of His adopted ones to their forever home, and His forever family reunion.  I heard my name being called by little voices.  I felt arms around my legs and my neck.   I saw mothers’ and fathers’ tears through my own as I felt an overwhelming sense of God’s abundant grace.  This incredible gift of seeing so many little faces and wiggling bodies filled with life and laughter—I have been most richly blessed.

  Nashville trips have also brought special time for catching up with dear friends, sharing fellowship together, introducing family to people that I have grown to love over the course of my years in China and who have been such an incredible source of friendship and encouragement to me.

  These are just a few glimpses of the days that are being written during this season of my journey, and each moment brings new opportunity to share with various ones the amazing love that God has for orphans and how He provides and cares not only for them but for those who follow His commands to care for them.  I am amazed at every turn at how He teaches me more of Himself and His heart for the lost through the care of the fatherless.  I have had the chance to share with some of you in a very close personal setting.   I wish there was a way I could sit down with a cup of coffee or a peanut butter blitz shake with each one of you and share more.  I am actually very excited that I will be going with my sister, Melissa, and a small team from AFCI (Ambassadors For Christ International) to the Ukraine, July 14-26, to help with a weeklong English/Bible camp for teens.  I am looking forward to having the chance to share with those young people God’s heart for them, His heart for the lost, and His longing to be their Father.  What a joy to know that God uses the experiences in our lives on His calendar to orchestrate opportunities to share in ways that I could never imagine.  I look forward to sharing with you how God uses and leads during this time.  And I am praying that there will be even more opportunities in the time ahead to spend time telling you of all that God is doing and has done as I cease striving and prayerfully wait on Him and His direction for the next step in my journey.

Only by His Grace,

Mariah

Camping Notes

July 3, 2015

   I sat on the large rocks of the lake edge, my toes curling into the sand and stones of the bottom while I dried in the warmth of the sun.  My family was scattered about me, each one of us enjoying the beauty of our surroundings.  In the quiet my thoughts tumbled over themselves.  I pondered the scene before me and had to smile as I considered the moments.  Just this morning I had watched as my Daddy had patiently taught little sisters armed with small fishing poles how to cast and reel.  I had thought back so many years to when he had taught me the same thing.  I watched little bodies splashing about with masks and snorkels in place trying to catch tiny fish that teamed along the shoreline and swam among the rocks.  I had awoke to the glow of sunrise through the yellow canvas walls of the tent I grew up with and smiled to see my sisters snuggled in sleeping bags near me.  My family loves camping, in fact it never really felt like summer until we had spent a couple weeks living in the tent, cooking over the open fire, carrying water, and finding the perfect spot for fishing just as dawn was breaking. 

 

 I had to smile to myself as I was being pulled along behind the boat on the inner tube that this really did look like how my life was going.  I was simply along for the ride, God directing, pulling, choosing the direction and I need to just hang on especially when there was a wake, of the boat shifted direction and speed.  I needed to have my life jacket fastened tight, and my eyes focused on the craft before me so that I could follow without flipping and flailing about- oh if life were only as easy as being pulled behind a boat!

What Does It Look Like?

 June 16, 2015

“What does it look like?”  I lift the handle on the faucet and shift it to hot, the clear running water sends steam upwards as it swirls and mixes with the soap forming frothy piles of bubbles on its surface.  The heat of it soothes as my hands slip under the water, testing the temperature, I want this water hot.  A rainbow of bubbles rises and I watch the iridescent changing of colors across their surface.  I close my eyes, “What does it look like?”  My closed eyes allow my mind to bring forth faces one after another each one bringing to mind their precious story, each one unique, each one holding a special piece of my heart, each little life a gift of Grace.  Both hands are in the heat of the water now and their searching below the surface finds the coarse texture of the cloth, grasping it in one hand I open my eyes as my other hand lifts the first glass and begins to wash.  My eyes focus on the verse written across the glass on the picture before me.

“Make me know Your ways,

O Lord;

Teach me Your paths.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me.

For You are the God of my

Salvation;

For You I wait all the day.

Remember, O Lord, Your

Compassion and Your

 Lovingkindnesses,

For they have been from of old.”

Psalm 25:4-6

  I wrote it up there a few days ago, that clear smooth surface has become a favorite place to jot reminders of who my God is and what He is teaching me in these days.  Now in this moment I am praying these very words, “Lord, teach me Your ways.”  I smile and think to myself as I pick up the next dish, “What does it look like?”  It looks like a pile of dishes, it looks like a meal prepared and served, it looks like a floor mopped and a vacuum cleaner pushed, it looks like a bathroom scrubbed, a porch painted, a basket of laundry sorted, washed, and folded.  It looks like a garden planted, a yard watered, but it is so much more than that.  It is here in what the outside world would see as everyday chores that I am finding words to put to the heart cries, it is here in these moments of doing chores that are so very familiar to my hands that they come automatically where I find the time to think, to ponder, to be amazed at my God’s working.  To consider the work He has given me to do in this season as a gift of time to consider the work that He continues to do in me.  I see the faces of little ones, I consider the suffering and pain I have seen, I contemplate the joy and elation of moments that I still do not fully understand.  I am reminded of His promises to love, provide for and protect and I am given a chance to wonder at what it looks like to see His mighty hand moving to care for each tiny detail. 

It is in this work when I am able to gather together the words to share with others when they ask, “What does it look like?”  

It looks like Remembering this!

It looks like moments with these precious ones...

It looks like family

It looks like Christmas Morning

Like Wearing lots of hats

Fresh Homemade Bread- wheat ground and hand kneaded

It looks like little sister baby dolls, snuggled and set on the bed just right...

It looks like long walks through our woods to the pond with only the company of my Heavenly Father and the dog.

It looks like sweet friendship...

And the fellowship of dear hearts

Like finding a car to share on the journey

And remembering where I am from

It looks like bowls of rice ready for a class of children who are enthusiastic to try their hands at eating with chop sticks

And dressing up to share with those same children some of what my life in China has been like

Sometimes it looks like a spiral of stairs leading to the top of a lighthouse where the light can shine the brightest guiding others to the Light of Lights

It looks like bright dresses and brick ruins...

It looks like being reminded of what are essentials in a Southern Girls wardrobe

And that white is worn after Easter!

It looks like watching an airshow from big brothers strong shoulders

It looks like yummy cheesecake made to celebrate the gift of sister and her birthday.

It looks like fresh farm picked strawberries

And it looks like sisters excitement at veggies picked from the garden for dinner tonight.

It looks like making the swing set fort into a big girls playhouse where sweet girls can cook and clean  and learn to care for their family and the guests they invite.

It looks like savoring coffee with friends and family- please pour me another cup!

It looks like running hard every day...

It looks like taking the boat out and smelling the flowers

It looks like a stack of books.

It looks like the encouragement of a friend, well mixed with family time

It looks like a reunion of families each embracing familiar Chinese baby faces, it looks like a smile of recognition and reaching arms asking for me to pick them up when it has been so very long since I last saw this one, it looks like tear blurred sight, and the look of a mother’s eyes as she reaches to wrap her arms around us both.  It looks like amazing love.  It is a vision of abounding grace.

What does it look like?  It looks like sand castles built on firm foundations of rock.  It looks like everyday moments that are becoming more precious to me as I consider the grace that gives them to me- the God who allows me to see in them the much greater work that He is doing in my life.