Hannah's Heart...

June 15, 2014

Dear Ones,

  Did Hannah sleep that last night?  Did she hover over the sleeping form, was his bedtime tuck in just a little longer, his good night story the longest one she could think of, did she encourage him to pray just a little longer, telling God thank you for each bug he saw, for what he ate that day, for each family member on the long list, and for the past days of travel?  Did she cringe just a bit when he said amen, and wish that his little arms would stay tangled around her neck in a good night hug for just a moment longer, did unbidden tears slip down her cheeks as she kissed his sleepy face and watched his little eye lids flutter and finally close in sleep?  What thoughts were racing through her head, what emotions boiling up and spilling over from her heart?  Did she think back to the last time she was here in Jerusalem, her pleading with God and her promises?  Was there a moment when she wavered in her resolve to do what she knew God was calling her to do when she wanted to scoop up the sleeping child near her and just run?  In the wee hours of the morning did she pull him in closer to her and wish that the dawn would not come but in the very same instant pray that God would give her strength to do the best thing, the right thing, and that somehow the Creator of her heart would stop her hearts bleeding from the wound that was about to be inflicted? 

  Once again this was the line of questions streaming through my mind as I sat on the floor little ones pulled close, singing their favorite songs, coloring castle pictures one last time, answering questions, wiping runny noses, tickling and rocking, here we were once again doing “lasts.”  Never again would I sit with this group of little ones because in the early light of a new day some would leave, new families awaited them, forever families who were longing for, and praying for them, mommies and daddies who would love them and care for them and train them up and fight for them.  It was a good thing, but right now as I watched eye lids begin to droop with sleep and I tucked little bodies into cribs one last time kissing foreheads and whispering prayers over them.  My heart begins to hurt once again with a familiar ache.  Old wounds seem fresh, the scars mark where some have healed but new places are beginning to bleed with fresh injury.  I plead with God to teach me to have a heart like Hannah who begged God for a son and promised to give him back, a heart that aches with the knowledge that God will use this little boy for His glory but it will not be without sacrifice…Samuel never belonged to Hannah just as these children never belong to me but it does not make my heart hurt any less.  I pray that the Great Physician will put pressure on the bleeding places to stem the flow and help the healing to begin.  There is a part of me that asks Him to make the pain less next time, and He gently reminds me in that same moment that great love will bring great pain and that I never want to love less because it would not be worth the even greater loss I would feel.

  In the gray early hours of the morning I slip back down to the nursery before the commotion of the day, and the crowds gather and we say goodbye quietly just me and them as it has been on so many days before, whispers, hugs, last moments… Snuggled close one last sighed, “Ma Li Ya, wo ai ni.”

Then Hannah prayed and said,

“My horn is exalted in the Lord,

My mouth speaks boldly against my enemies,

Because I rejoice in Your Salvation.

There is no one holy like the

Lord,

Indeed, there is no one besides You,

Nor is there any rock like our

God.”

1 Samuel 2:1-2

  

Grace Alone,

Mariah